Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just when I'm about to bang the girl of my dreams....I wake up.......everytime

   The only good thing about Directv vs Viacom is the fact MTV is off the air! The IQs of the majority just single-handedly went up ONE point.

   My girlfriend told me that I'm starting to annoy her because I relate EVERYTHING to batman.....What a Joker....

   Hey, DirecTV? Ummm...now that Viacom is being asses, can we have G4 back? Sincerely, 90% of your customers who DON'T care about the so called MTV showing 16 & Pregnant

   If you have an extraordinary sense of humour and you are able to make sense and relate to my jokes without blushing, puking or being offended, then you are my kind of peoplez and maybe we should hangout sometime.

   There is no ‘meant to be.' There is only ‘make it be.'

   I'm a superhero while I'm in my shower. I call myself Bathman.

   I'm not a perverted stalker, I just want to get to know your better without you knowing.

   At what age is it appropriate to tell my dogs they are adopted?

   The most awkward part of a murder/suicide pact has to be deciding who goes first.

   Always walking away from the chemist smelling f***ing awesome

   Women need a reason to cheat, men just need another woman.

   When the cashier asks me "Is that everything?", I feel like crap inside because obviously my order didn't satisfy her.

   Me and Megan Fox are fighting again.. I hate this..

   Just ate a bunch of garbage. Disgusting. That's the last time I pay attention to a raccoon's Yelp review.

   wondering......how the HELL do they signal Batman during daytime....

   Wal*Mart now offers psychiatric treatment. I got out of there quick. I used the 10 issues or less line.

   Silly prank: Transmit clips of backward devil talk to your neighbors' baby monitor at random times throughout the night.

   TSA = Touchy Squeezy Abusers

   There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.