Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn't rhyme with good.

   Has anyone else noticed the plots of "Finding Nemo" and "Taken" are virtually identical?

   I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.

   Tired? Cranky ? Feeling like crap .....There's a nap for that .

   they say there is no I in TEAM but there is ME!

   You know it's hot when you open your deoderant and it's sweating.

   They say Time is the best healer- That's why they make you sit and wait for so long in a doctor's office !

   I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.

   Just got my dream Job starts next Monday .. Window cleaner in Amsterdam.,

   Took a career aptitude test. My results: sports team mascot, bridge troll, sign twirler, petting zoo poop scooper..

   Bacon: The Duct Tape of the kitchen... it fixes EVERYTHING!

   I rang Babestation the other night and the woman said "Hi sexy, what can I do for you? I said "Fu*king hide, my wife's coming and ive lost the remote!

   yesterday the ladies celebrated "National No Bra Day." Today the men celebrate "Back To Eye Contact Day" (worst holiday of the year).

   When you're in public and your nuts itch!!

   Must have caught the 'Bieber fever'; Every time I hear about this pr!ck, I feel like puking.

   Water is the most important compound on Earth, because without water we couldn't make coffee or booze.

   Facebook, where people can pretend to be everything they really aren't to the friends they really don't have.

   My inner child just bit me.

   I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

   Not to brag, but when it comes to "going nowhere fast," I'm breaking every speed record known to man.