Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's National No Bra Day! Except for you fat lady!

   To win without risk is to triumph without glory.

   Sometimes I feel like I'm a Fruit Loop in a bowl full of Cheerios.

   If a midget smokes weed, does he get medium?

   I don't care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!

   Ugh, I accidentally spoiled the new Spider-Man movie for myself by seeing "Spider-Man" 10 years ago.

   Halloween = Candy, Thanksgiving = Food, Christmas = Gifts, New Years = Drinks, Valentines = Sex, Birthdays = ALL OF THE ABOVE

   Some days I'm in control... and some days I'm allllll back of the bus 'n sh*t.

   "Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I've ever been asked.

   You're definitely doing something wrong if you have had more eX's than you have had O's in your life.

   7/9 = No bra day! Who is responsible for failing to send me the memo? My day could've been a whole lot brighter

   Every time I post,, I get a rush like I'm releasing a little animal into the wild... A hideous, deformed animal that no one will ever love...

   do movie stars get depressed if they see their movies in the $5.00 dvd bin?

   Just saw a guy in a Dominos uniform driving a UPS truck. This is either grand theft auto or the most epic pizza trade ever.

   Longest minute of life: waiting for food to come out of the microwave...

   Everybody secretly hates that couple who plans their wedding on holiday weekends.

   Dear Whoever decided when breakfast is over at McDonalds..... F$CK YOU!

   Send message without subject? Yes, Gmail. f$ck off.

   I hate it when my boss calls my name and I automatically think "What the hell did I do now?"

   Your Ex ALWAYS seems to pop back up as soon as you forget about them.