Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mondays are Sunday's poop.

   Hollister should offer complimentary gas masks and ear plugs when you walk in the store.

   Sarcasm : Because beating the s$it out of people is illegal.

   Gossip is usually planted with the hopes that it will spread.

   This is a very important announcement: On July 18th, 2012 at approximately 12 noon, Facebook will observe an hour of silence in recognition of my AWESOMENESS!

   Ever just read somebody's post and think.... what th H is this person talking about? they never seem to make any sense.

   I could love anyone provided you're not a jerk, have decent teeth, and a good credit score.

   My life: Wake up, mess sh*t up, have fun, sleep, repeat.

   She said she wanted to get a facial, but then she got mad when I came on her face!

   Sad reality:Your stingy boy friend is another girl's ATM

   My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex, so I dumped her.

   well... it's about that time to give my pillow some head

   i wish 2pac was alive so lil wayne could work at mcdonalds

   Imagine a life without facebook where you would actually have to watch the news again...

   There are two rules for success... 1. Never reveal everything you know

   Aww Crap, Monday found me again.

   secretly happy the heatwave killed my lawn..does that make me a no-mow

   my mom used to say, "dont give me any of your guff"...looked it up..40 yrs ltr..says trivial, worthless talk or ideas...heeeyyy, thats demeaning

   Dr. Phil and Oprah..two of the most over-rated influences on America EVER!!!!!

   just got dumped by a pity-sex partner.....she looked like joe dirt....I think I just hit rock bottom.