Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because you LIKED my awesome status does not mean I have to LIKE the picture of your food...

   An "ex" is like jail, if you keep going back then it shows you still haven't learnt a lesson.

   It took 100 years for Congress to make the 4th of July an official holiday. (The same amount of time it takes them to do anything now!)

   Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn't trust with a Glo-Stick Day!!!

   If Kim Kardashian was the answer...... the question must have been reeeeeally stupid.

   Disappointed with the lack of boobs on Twitter, I'm going back to Facebook.

   If I had one wish, I wish my pen!s could cure cancer, if taken orally.

   Put your money where your mouth is and suffocate yourself with your money.

   Dumb girls....... Quit trying to look like us in photos, it's embarrassing to our species. Sincerely, Ducks.

   A girl just showed her boobs to a bouncer to get a keychain. I took it from her b/c she was sloppy drunk. Is this what pimping feels like?

   Has anyone found a better cure for loneliness than vodka? Yeah, didn't think so.

   I don't think I've ever seen a Mexican midget. I bet they're all just having a hard time making it over the fence

   I sure hope women don't roll their eyes in real life as much as they do here on facebook.

   I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

   Drunk love is better than crazy love.

   I hate when her husband comes home early. She says I'm the pool boy. And I spend the next few hours cleaning the pool. This is BULLSH!T!

   My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...

   If you don't discipline your child, life will.

   Yes, that's correct!.....And the Horse you rode in on!!

   If it ain't broke, borrow money from it.