Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The big twist at the end of our lives,, Is that Pluto really was a planet the WHOLE TIME...

   I think the Krispy Kreme fresh donut light is my Bat-Signal

   I wanted to stop for McDonald's this morning but the line was too wide.

   The inventor of the doorbell OBVIOUSLY did not own a chihuahua

   We're all like corn.... Just passing through

   Good judgement comes from experience. And all of that comes from bad judgment.

   "Any last requests?" I say..... The eclair stands blindfolded,,,, coolly smoking his final cigarette. "Yeah," Flick. "Eat-me."

   Well YES,,,, Actually, I've been published in Several bathrooms throughout the Northeast...

   Want to know something about me??? Well,,, ANYTHING a monkey points at,,,,, I will Immediately look at....

   Whenever you refer to a "hot girl" in your story,,,, I'll say, "She wasn't that hot, But go on."

   Attention friends who don't understand humor,,, please do not attempt to reply to the posts of us who have humorous whit,,,, it's beyond your skill level.

   I MAY have just clinched Olympic Gold,, by going 5 for 5,,, in my "popping the trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station." routine.

   My mother-in-law's coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep

   I think I'm going to sell everyone else out,,, And be the farmer supplying Life with all these lemons everyone's talking about.

   My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry... In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

   My driver's side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I'm probably gonna starve to death..

   Honk if you're not in your car....... (My new bumpersticker)

   Because of gas prices,, the Motor Trend Car of the Year for 2012 is walking.

   When I see a parent who doesn't give in to their kids tantrum,,, I want to give them the medal of valor

   That custom taylored Italian suit can easily be ruined by the default Nokia ringtone......