JOser Funny Status Messages

   Just got a chance to listen to my voicemails. I was pretty popular in 2009.

   If the store didn't want me to flop naked into the frozen foods, it shouldn't have put them so close to the front door on a 90° day.

   After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.

   I don't trust people who don't have middle names...

   Walmart smells like ugly

   The only thing I hate more than people who make fun of other people is people who don't laugh when I do it.

   Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a "no girls allowed" sign.

   Deleting your Facebook account is a quick way to find out what people will say at your funeral.

   Nothing makes me feel more American than the fact that my button has just popped off of my pants.

   Let me know if anyone's hiring right now... I specialize in destroying alarm clocks and petting kittens.

   Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullsh*t around your lips.

   people will believe anything if you whisper it.

   I get blamed for everything. Looks like I have no choice but to run for president.

   First, Alaska brought us Sarah Palin. Now, "smoked salmon flavored vodka." Can we get a restraining order against them?

   I'm thinking of a number between one and who gives a sh*t

   Customs: "Do you have anything to declare?" Me: "I declare a thumb war?" Customs: "Security!" Me: "I mean rum! Lots and lots of rum!"

   I'd still choose rock over paper in a real fight.

   I'm starting to get a bit worried that Canada isn't going to win the World Cup this year.

   It's simply way too hot today for me to believe global warming is real.

   I wouldn't mind all the diving and faking in soccer if, at random times during each game, a trapdoor opened to a pit of hungry crocodiles.