JOser Funny Status Messages

   If you see a burrito running down the street screaming "RAPE", please return him to me. He is totally overreacting.

   The best part of being me is that I'm not you...

   My lack of understanding does not compensate for your intelligence. Wait, what?

   Drinking, smoking and fatty foods are taking too long to kill me. I had to fall in love again to speed-up the process.

   Dear Physics, I don't want to solve your problems. I have my own thanks

   LIFE INSURANCE: a contract that keeps you poor so you can die rich

   If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore

   I'm guessing God had to change his password when the Mayan hacked his account and found out about 2012.

   Ahh Bud light the sweet lower calorie nectar made by mother nature

   I'm getting a massage tonight, so I drew a treasure map on my stomach. It's pretty self explanatory.

   The attack on the Pope was really his own fault. After all he was wearing Axe Body Spray.

   Tiger Woods has had sex with more women than my girlfriend will even let me be Facebook friends with.

   Who is "Taxes" and "IRS"? Those jerks have been sending me junk mail for years.

   I used to live in a residential building until a few hookers moved in on the 3rd floor - now it's a commercial building...

   want to know if sex toy manufacturers have product testers?

   How can this census data be relevant when it doesn't ask whether I have a Palm Pre or an iPhone?

   I'd be lying if I said I didn't like Nickelback. I'd also be lying if I said I'd be lying if said I didn't like Nickelback.

   Support your local record store today, because you can't roll a joint on a download b*tches.

   Vodka is made from potatoes. Which means once upon a time, someone looked a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius!

   I was just asked to touch base with a female co-worker on a project. I hope it's 2nd base...