Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was just dishonorably discharged from Old Navy.

   I tried to kill myself once with Asprin, but after the first two I felt better.

   Playing a new game on my girlfriends computer, its called guess the password.

   I checked the thermometer outside. The temperature read "Fuck this shit! Stay in the house!"

   I was delivered by C-section. I think thats what led me to have such low self esteem...Why wasnt I worthy of and A or at least B-Section..

   My girl just called to tell me she went into labor. I said, "Hell yeah, its about time you got a job!"

   Instagram … because our attention spans can't even handle 140 characters anymore.

   I still remember that moment I said I love you too, coz thats the exact moment my life got fuçked up!

   Man, it was so HOT today, Instagram stop working!.....

   Traveled home by pogo stick last night, got stopped by the police for jumping a red light.

   Keep an eye on people who always remain calm & collected. It's always a pretty fun scene when they finally have their inevitable breakdown.

   Hey, guy that puts the stickers on fruit....NOBODY likes you.

   Two Facebook addicts walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says.................NOTHING,, cause he's just staring down at his phone

   I use a remote control for my car stereo because,,,,, Well,, You know,,,,, Who would EVER want to lean forward a little bit?...

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

   The public is jealous and takes pleasure in destroying good relationships. So what the public doesn't know exist, the public can't destroy. So lets keep our love a secret baby and let it live.

   Women want a man who can read them like a book, so long as he is proficient in braille.

   Oh, you're a model? What's your agency? Instagram?

   Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

   We need to find Heman, he has all the power.