Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm proud to announce that my wife and I are expecting a bacon.

   Its Soo Hot....The Jehovah Witnesses ain't even out today.

   All I want is for someone to pretend to love me for who I am, then gradually change me over a period of several years until we both hate me.

   just seen on news a midget got pickpocketed, how could anyone stoop so low?

   Having dinner with my phone and some people.

   We've reached that unfortunate time of the year when all the white guys put on their Hawaiian shirts and think they're Jimmy Buffet!

   I didn't realize this pizza delivery tracker app had a "I dropped your pizza but scooped it back up and placed it in the box" indicator.

   It is so hot here ( How hot is it ) . It's so hot while I was mowing grass I saw Satan laying under a tree begging for an IV ..

   Lets just call him He-Who-Will-Not-Be-Laid.

   I saw some chick get her nipple pierced last night..... Man, I am so bad at darts when I'm drunk.

   Hey there automatic flushing toilet. I love your enthusiasm but ummm..... I wasn't finished yet.

   They say that carrots help you see in the dark - that is crap! After 5 minutes of walking into stuff, I switched back to using a light.

   I tried to share a cheeseburger with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to go away and buy my own.

   I wonder if this Margarita counts as my daily serving of fruit...

   When you're a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.

   Watching Man vs Food. I think I've finally found someone who's had more meat in them than Kim Kardashian.

   Let me eat your face off.....said no pot head ever!

   My cat just graduated from the University of Phoenix.

   Some guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a cup of water...

   I told my boss I couldn't make it to work because of the weather today. "But it's sunny outside," he said. "Exactly," I replied, as I pop open a beer.