Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw something that reminded me of you...but don't worry, I flushed the toilet and washed my hands.

   I never use the little twist ties to close a bag of bread...I just spin the bag and tuck it under the loaf of bread.

   We all have that one friend with the hot sister everyone wants to get with.

   BEST EXCUSE: I didn't scream out someone else's name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant...

   I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.

   Duct tape: Turning NO!, NO!, NO! into mmm, mmm, mmm.

   The next relationship I get into, I will be buying a bottle of shampoo that some day...for they will both be in a secret competition to see which will last longer...

   parents dont need energy drinks...they already have monsters that keep them awake all day

   i think I'm gonna just be a rapper. apparently you need zero experience, and zero talent to be a millionaire in the rap game now?

   Huh, turns out that staying up until 4 am and surfing adult sites is not considered insomnia. Thank God!!! I really thought I had a problem…..

   I like you. You're the right amount of dysfunctional that I'm attracted to.

   If you're the type of person who says "surprise me" to your waiter, then, Surprise! Your waiter hates you!

   why don't they just open a separate school for kids that don't have a peanut allergy?

   I'm getting a pet dog & cat and I'm gonna name my cat 'Waterfalls'. This way everytime my dog is chasing my cat, I can say "Don't go chasing waterfalls!""

   Supreme Court rules Arizona police may not stop people they believe are illegal immigrants, but must stop Juggalos.

   Beggo! Why don't you just c0py and paste next time!!!

   You know you're broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!!!

   i buy my own f*cking lemons because you know what? life doesn't hand anyone anything for free.

   Don't borrow vinegar from your neighbor if they have to get the bottle out of the bathroom!

   You can't have a Consumer-based economy if none of the consumers have jobs and can't afford to consume!!!