Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even grudges have feelings. They like it when you hold them.

   Def Need a " facebook filter" to prevent all the weddings and babies from showing up on my feed.

   Ass is best when it's kicked.

   You look so fckn gross when you're happy.

   "Hey Let's agree to disagree, and then accomplish nothing as we focus on our reelections." -Congress

   Ive decided I'm going to be a better person starting now until the next time I check facebook.

   A fun game to play is "hide-and-don't-answer-texts."

   A good man will send flowers to your office. The perfect man will come to your office, close the blinds and pluck your flower.

   If a woman in a bikini is close by, a guy will make the simplest task look like a major construction project.

   Some Warning Labels are a little retarded, like on my Deodorant it says, "Avoid Contact with Eyes"....TOO LATE, I've already seen it!!!

   Nascar Update: Gordon Biffles Earnhart's Johnson

   Things Done today: ☑ Got groceries, ☑ Ate, ☑ Relaxed, ☑ [Censored].

   I raise the bar when it comes to lowering standards.

   It suddenly dawns on me, I'm gonna have to punch my way out of this nursing home.

   I always mean what I say. Sometimes, I didn't mean to say it out loud.

   Help me find the exit! I'm trying to escape from reality!

   Not having tattoos is suddenly a great way to express your individuality.

   I ain't sayin my gf is a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe..

   Someone uploaded a picture of Hitler and said, "LIKE IF YOU WISH HE WAS DEAD!".. uhmm..dont really know what to think...??

   If I hear the song call me maybe one more time i'm gonna go freaking INSANE.