Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The older I get, the more the term 'douchebag' applies to everyone younger than me.

   Am I the only one who calculates how many hours sleep I can get before I go to sleep?!

   Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.

   Anybody that says I'll steal your heart, mind, love etc. you definitely aren't allowed in my house. And you will be frisked for knives.

   The biggest problem with stupid people is that they don't know they're stupid.

   I wanted to eat something sweet with a hole in it for breakfast, but I had to settle for a donut.

   They need to invent a pill that gives me incredible bouts of energy without any of the seizures.

   What's with women and emotions? Whenever I find myself getting emotional, I just drink Vodka and I am cured.

   "You must behave yourself when you are in the presence of a lady" - me talking to my d!ck

   It's all fun and games until she starts putting the dots at the end of her messages, you then know you've said something wrong.

   What? Wait! You mean you can log out?

   I shave my pubic hair for the same reason I don't put garnishes on food. It's not polite to make people push things aside to keep on eating.

   My internet was running slow today so I knocked on my neighbors' door and asked if they could place their router a bit closer to the window.

   So apparently my girlfriend left me for being a know-it-all. I knew that was going happen.

   Living with someone means sex on demand. Is the myth.

   If you've ever described something as, "Better than sex", then you my friend, are probably having the wrong kind of sex..

   Just heard Sandusky's on suicide watch. I'm checking ticket prices.

   I'm sorry, I couldn't understand a single word that was coming out of your boobs.

   Does anyone else remember the day when you found out your parents had other names besides mom and dad? How crazy was that?!

   Saying that an iPhone is the best phone because of the battery life is like saying my bicycle is the best car when it comes to fuel economy.