Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I feel like people are just using me for my likes.

   The bigfoot post was awesome. Pay attention people, this is the kind of stuff we're looking for!

   On a scale of 1 to 10, how old do you think Sandusky's boyfriend is?

   They say: "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". The problem is, nowadays you can't tell them apart.

   Put a condom on your heart & f$ck your feelings.

   There's always a wild side to an innocent face.

   Roses are red, Violets are red, Shrubs are red, Trees are red, OMG! My yard is on fire!

   Oh great it's Summer...that means hearing about tomatoes for 3 freakin' months!

   i often wonder why alice cooper never stared in a horror movie

   I'm being blackmailed by my memory foam mattress.

   does fantasizing about the cheerleaders count as "fantasy football"?

   the local weather: We are expecting 2 to 3 feet of drama this evening with bullshit blowing in from all directions!

   Every time I say stop, an epic battle takes place in my head where I decide whether to follow it with "in the name of love" or "hammertime."

   Say no to drugs. But if the drugs you took are talking to you, then please share them with me.

   I need an app that just screams "Put the phone down and go do something, idiot!" whenever I pick my phone up.

   If you were getting sexts from someone you're not interested in, does that mean you got molexted? Or is it textual harassment??

   I've learned sooo much from my mistakes.. I'm thinking of making some more

   Dear Facebook friend that posts inspirational quotes, your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you

   Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today… He just yelled at me.

   jdpower: Making girls who aren't like that.. like that.