Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Say what you will about Michael Jackson....but at least he wasn't nosey.

   If a thief ever broke into my home, I'd just pretend to be a thief too... We'll laugh & hug and then he'll leave because I was there first.

   I propose that we abolish marriage and engage in 3 year contracts instead, with the option for renewal.

   Have you ever pushed a door that said pull?

   Don't judge a woman by her granny panties but by what's inside.

   Besides falling in love. What other hobbies do you have?

   Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.

   ATTENTION Guys who don't have sex with their wife when she's pregnant in fear of hurting the baby: Don't flatter yourselves.

   Myyy milkshake brings all the boys to the yard & they're like ew what is this semen & I'm like no refunds

   Warning: Alcohol may make people appear more doable than they actually are.

   Why can't happiness be as contagious as the flu. "Sorry, I can't come into work today, I have a bad case of 'the happiness'."

   Never turn your back on a bear, man you have wronged, or a dominant turkey during mating season

   Good, Better, Best...never let it rest until the good get better and the better turn into the best

   i love updating my status while dri

   a hot girl just offered me some but it seemed a little fishy...

   I bet Abraham Lincoln killing vampires isn't half as good as the movie I just made up about Bill Clinton beaver Destroyer.

   Found out at lunch today that apparently, it's rude if you honk your order in Morse code to the drive-thru attendant at McDonald's.......

   Want to hear a joke about a pizza?? Nevermind it is too cheesy!

   Tears are the hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine “want” power.

   Sometimes I put my hands on the floor, tuck my head into my chest and lean forward, cause that's how I roll.