Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to a story on the front page of The New York Times, Kanye West is marrying Kim Kardashian. The wedding is scheduled for June and the divorce is in July.

   Yesterday, President Obama played his 100th round of golf since taking office. You could tell it was Obama, because he finished about 14 trillion over par

   If you aren't at least enjoying your path to self destruction, well then I just don't know.

   Women are like convertibles. They're a lot more fun when the top's down.

   the Victorian Government has released a damage report statement concerning yesterdays 5.3 earthquake, that have stated that the damage bill could run into millions of dollars worth of improvments!

   Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.

   Find your little island of "OK" in a vast sea of "Holy crap!"

   my new GF may be short but I'm nuts over her!

   At home: I want to go out, I want friends. When I go out: I want to go home, I hate people.

   I wish farting was a form of expression.

   When a woman cooks you dinner you're either going to get laid or poisoned.

   Just when you think your day can't get any worse, someone pokes you on Facebook

   The very first photo uploaded to Facebook was a cartoon cat. The second one was probably a duck-face girl.

   Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone. 

   I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with a baseball bat.

   Anyone who thinks that women can't be funny has obviously never watched one try to parallel park.

   Its a disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jeans fad.

   You just don't just come into someones life, make them care and then just leave.

   If Miami wins the series, do the Refs get a Ring too!!!

   FACT: For every Friend Request sent, $0.003 is added to Mark Zuckerberg's account.