Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like a girl that isn't afraid to jump in front of me during a robbery & say “babe, please. I got this one, you bought dinner.”

   My Cunning plan: 1. Go to the elephant house in the zoo... 2. Shout IS NOBODY GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?.. 3. Elephant high-five

   Manscaping now fully complete!! Waiting on the itching to commence!!

   So facebook is down for a few hours. I bet this will be the most productive business day in years.

   Mall cop wasn't going to let me park in the handicapped space. Then I showed him pictures of me dancing.

   My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume

   I don't have time to babysit ppl's feelings. Speak up. How I'm suppose to know what's wrong with you?

   You can be dysfunctional, retarded, ugly, promiscuous, pregnant, fat, obnoxious, sick, drunk, or high, but make sure you know the difference between 'YOUR' and 'YOU'RE' or ‘THAN' and ‘THEN'.

   Johnny Depp and his partner separated. They agreed to share custody of the kids, but are suing the hell out of each other over the scarves.

   I'm surprised "slow internet connection" doesn't come up more often as a motive in murder trials.

   screw Social Security and the national debt. Clemens lying to Congress about steroids is waaaay more important!!

   When life knocks you down...Calmly get back up, smile, and very politely say, "You hit like a b!tch"

   Sssshhhh....you had me at McDouble..

   jokes about suicide aren't funny, cut it out

   If you hear I committed suicide, start an investigation!

   WARNING: If you see posts offering free clips of Justin Bieber's new album, DO NOT CLICK. They link directly to free clips of Bieber's new album. Your welcome!

   If I am stuck in traffic for more than 30 minutes due to a wreck, I should be able to view the bodies.

   okay so I'm confused..whats came out today? justin beiber or his alblum?

   Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD) is characterized by a hypersensitivity to criticism, intense self-loathing, and a strong desire for isolation.

   President Obama is going to let certain illegal immigrants stay in this country. But there is an age requirement. You have to be old enough to vote by November. Read more on Newsmax.com: The Best of Late Nite Jokes -- Newsmax.com Important: Do You Suppo