Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet when cab drivers ask Prince where he wants to go he closes his eyes and whispers "1999."

   Children Ruin Everything Around Me (C.R.E.A.M.)

   in an ideal world, olivia wilde is googling for pictures of me naked

   "When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when you're freeing sad, post it on facebook so I can enjoy your misfortune."

   An Adam Sandler movie marathon is more difficult than a real marathon.

   A cool way to second guess your entire life is to go online and read reviews of every movie you think is awesome.

   You had me at "I don't like you that way."

   could really use a time machine to send me to the time before I started eating this whole pizza

   I'm not into bestiality but sometimes I want to have sex with Sarah Jessica Parker.

   Sex is a great way to calm down after a long, stressful day at work. Being a good friend, I'm always available to provide relaxing support.

   people are so stupid now a days....I am now describing myself as having uncommon sense

   Best Fortune cookie ever: "Person expecting sound advice from stale cookie probably make good dishwasher. Ask manager for application."

   Dear U.S. Congress and Justice Department. How much body armor for our military troops could have been purchased with the $3 million of taxpayer money wasted on investigating and prosecuting a washed-up old ballplayer? Love, (fill-in your name)

   Rise and shine all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night.

   My man was wearing a ducati jacket riding on a suzuki... thats like having a benz keychain on a hyundai.

   If I knew then what I know now, there's no way I would have passed high school algebra.

   Want to know if you're in the wrong relationship? If you were reading this hoping I really had the answer, it's over. You're welcome.

   Some have illusions of grandeur. I have hallucinations of happiness.

   It is better to have loathed and lost, than never to have loathed at all.

   A shooting star makes a wish when it sees me.