Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm thinking about opening an online Facebook rehab clinic.

   Dear Dad, thanks for not pulling out. Happy Father's Day!

   Still no Fathers Day card from my kids. Just because they are short, furry and talk funny is no excuse....it's hard being a single father.

   ts no fun insulting people that are too damn stupid to even realize it!

   The celebration of single moms on fathers day blows me! Single moms do some amazing things but being a father isn't one of them.

   practicing my "I Love It" look when I get another tie from my kids.

   Who needs a thesaurus when you can replace everything with ****

   F*ck your feelings. You never cared about mine, So why should I care about yours?

   got 6 Fathers Day hugs and all I did was go to Wal-Mart... weird.

   Happy ATMs day!!

   Before you give me any advice I'd just like to say how ungrateful I am.

   I'm going to some yard sales so I can point at people's crotches and say nice junk.

   I love it when I go see my parents for the first time in a while and after "hello" comes "good thing you came, my printer is broken".

   I think the reason old people sleep in separate bedrooms is so they don't have to wake up next to someone dead.

   The best way to get women is by trying to get rid of them.

   Growing up means not asking for advice you're not going to take.

   I like to lay there after sex, stroking her hair and whispering things like "whhhy are youuuu still hereeee?"

   I could have sworn I heard a chorus of a thousand tiny voices rising up from the shower drain to wish me a Happy Fathers Day.

   Your plethora of knowledge on Pakastani Volcanoes creates a plethora of barf that I'd like to extend to you as my way of saying I hate you.

   They say to stay away from a girl who is a succubus.... not me, I just changed my name to Bus.