Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.

   "Hahaha, nice!" = "I'd like you to stop talking to me now."

   I know there are people who really want to hate me, but it's nearly impossible when I'm kinda, sorta, REALLY amazing.

   I'll never forget the first time my son said "I love you, Dad!" He was talking to the mailman, BUT how cute is that?

   To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card and combine it with the expiration date and security code. What's yours?

   Symptoms may include insomnia, depression, suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, nausea, stroke or heart attack. (shrugs) At least my headache is gone.

   Facebook just suggested that I "like" the exact beer brand I'm drinking right now. Currently searching my home for hidden cameras and plotting my escape.

   I've recently put three girls in the "friend zone" so they can know how it feels for once.

   My coffee started talking to me this morning and all I could think was, "This is NOT how I like my women."

   Here's to no unexpected farthers day cards.

   Just woke my kids up and told them, “It's Father's Day! Where's my present?” They just started crying.

   Babies are the two extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   I speak fluent apology.

   My GF is eating tortilla chips. It sounds like she's eating glass shards and gravel.

   Asses are made to be sat on and not spoken from.

   Well I'm turning 33 in a few weeks and to celebrate, instead of planting a bunch of pink flamingos in my yard, I'm gonna bury all the exes that stole my youth.

   I really think you should change your mind. The one you have now SUCKS!

   If you ever want to feel stupid, read your Facebook status updates to someone who isn't on Facebook.

   What if there's money hidden behind every wall in my house? What if there's a sale on sledgehammers? What if sh*t's about to get crazy?

   Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers.