Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I can just make it one more day without some kid that I've never seen before wishing me a happy father's day this weekend will be a success.

   maury... a one man crusade to make fathers day a celebration for all men.

   bought a box of condoms tonight..... when I walked in the house my wife asked me" why did you buy a year's supply for?"

   happy sperm donor day

   hey dad, thanks for using a cheap condom...mom did the rest of the work

   Happy Father's Day to all the Dads who went out to get some milk, & actually came back home.

   I like when the carpet matches the drapes......and by carpet I mean Shag rug.

   the store has close parking spots for "new parents"...if I adopt a 10 yr old, do I get to park there?

   I'll know love when I see it. That's why I refuse to get corrective lenses.

   Today, I saw a license plate frame "My car, daddy's money" on a battered Chevy Aveo. Daddy had 600 bucks, eh? Calm down, princess.

   If it weren't for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.

   I hate waking up after a night of drinking to realize I spent a bunch of money on something stupid. Anyway, I'm off to the airport to pick up my Russian mail order bride.

   I just snatched your little ray of freaking sunshine and flushed it down the toilet. How ya feeling now?

   Friday: YES, ITS THE WEEKEND! *Blink* Monday: WTF just happened?!

   I don't like the way water looks at me. I think it's jealous of my relationship with alcohol.

   When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I'm tripping first.

   I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie should adopt me.

   Hi Google Earth, Please update location 4.025639 - 39.423074. I am sitting on the toilet in my yard. Thank You.

   I don't give a damn how old I am. When I come across bubble wrap, my inner 5 year old is coming out.

   By the time someone says "long story short" it's already too long.