Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to work in a factory crushing cans. I hated it! It was soda pressing.

   I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.

   They are taking the old "I've got your nose" game WAY too seriously down in Miami!

   the abbreviation curse will haunt me for ever. Yesterday my friend asked me what I was sucking and I just laughed out loud and said "lipop"

   A womans shoes say a lot about her feelings believe it or not. For example, if they're behind her ears, she likes you.

   If you can't take the heat, you're really going to hate my flamethrower.

   The only people who piss me off are the ones who convert oxygen into carbon dioxide.

   I just found spider crawling up my leg. I wanted to kill it but I missed so I cut off my leg instead.

   I love watching my husband sleep so peacefully. It gives me time to plot all the ways I can take him out should the time come someday.

   Some folks will spend the weekend having fun and enjoying themselves. We call these people "Single".

   Trying to talk to a girl without staring at her boobs is like trying to poop without peeing.

   If you cant live without me, then why aren't you dead yet?

   Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.

   The little chocolate ice-cream part at the end of a vanilla ice-cream cone is what I call a 'happy ending'.

   I bet the first gay Transformer will morph into a Prius.

   Heaven is a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

   I got caught talking to myself today, so to avoid embarrassment, I pretended to be a tree until they left.

   Why does everyone say "You bet your ass?" Is there really a lot of value in an ass?

   Breathe if you're horny.

   I'm one of those people that no one warned you about.