Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tie up all my victims in forget me knots.

   Go Ahead! Make my sandwich.

   I just heard a woman in a supermarket say this to her 7(ish) year old daughter... "Don't spit! Ladies never spit!" Priceless.

   Did you hear about the new show about Nigerian Airlines? Knot's Landing…

   If my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it's not the special edition with all the deleted scenes I've blocked from my memory.

   Hey has anyone tried that bacon sunday at bk? Or was that just an awesome dream I had last night...

   Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm on bath salts, and your face looks tasty.

   I attacked that beer like it was a defenceless woman in a carpark.

   Too many herbs have effd up my omelet.... If only I could turn back thyme...

   Afroman was going to make another cd....but then he got high.

   The world world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes

   Honey-girl,,,,, your skirt is so short ,,,, your STD's are showing

   Most Americans are overweight according to a study done by my eyeballs.

   doesn't really understand the big deal about walking a tightrope across Niagara Falls. I've been married for 14 years, try walking that tightrope Wallenda!

   So I was in a banana suit earlier while I was eating a banana. I couldn't decide if it was canabalism or canabananalism.

   Fonzie never wore a safety harness jumping the 14 garbage cans in front of Arnold's or jumping the shark tank. Don't be a Potsie Wallenda, ditch the harness..

   99% of my socks are single and you don't see them crying about it.

   R.I.P Lindsay Lohan : (not really, I'm just practicing.......

   Cuddling season is over. It's hott as f**k now. Get away.

   I don't get this hole poking thing.