Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shoutout to all the dark skinned girls with the cheetah print tattoo that looks like a 2nd degree burn....

   "Step one: Cut a hole in the box!"

   I find the butchest way to eat a banana is to take my dress off.

   If I can see you, you're invading my personal space.

   I calculate how many girls ive been with the same way you convert °C to °F. Take the real figure, double it & add 30.

   My favorite color is Vodka.

   Coffee is just something I use to convince myself I will have a productive morning

   When I text someone in the same room as me.. I stare at them until they get it.. (-_-)

   Don't mind going to work, it's the 8hr wait to go home I hate

   Dear McDonald's cashier, don't give me that look. There's no age limit on a happy meal... and don't forget the toy.

   It pours the Whiskey on its liver or else it gets the hose again

   Nothing like waking up to drunk texts from the guy you like blurting out his feelings for you and now it's your turn to play it cool.

   I think I've just convinced my 85yr old neighbor to hop on one leg across her patio railing at 5pm if you guys are interested.........

   It's funny, these guys make a status complaining about someone re-posting, then their next status is a re-post!

   facebook needs a "settle down" button you tap on a friend's profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately.

   Most kids are taught the normal 'Birds and the Bee's'! Not me I was traumatized! My father explained it to me by showing me a male and female outlet. To this day everytime I plug something in I get all worked up And dont let even show me an extension cord

   Spain made over 800 passes in last night's game. The only way England could make that many is if we enter Wayne Rooney on Mastermind.

   Dugout: where baseball players relax between innings Doug-out: where Doug feels comfortable telling others about his sexuality

   I'm here to chew bubble gum and kick some a$$. And looks like I'm all out of bubble gum.

   I pour some Bacon Flavored Bath Salt water on a Roach to see what happens. Cuz Raid and Pest Control are getting expensive! I