Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I call my parents, and they don't answer it's no big deal but when they call me and I don't answer it's like World War II.

   If you squint your eyes real hard this post looks likes it's in Spanish........ (ok, stop before someone see's you)

   Hey, wanna hear a joke about Nirvana? No? Nevermind."

   I consider the word Dodge on the front of my truck fair warning to jaywalkers."

   Did not know Osama Bin Laden's son plays for the Oklahoma City Thunder!!

   Nothing says "Love" like having a ShamWow tossed at your genitals after having sex.

   seriously science nerds. It's 2012; where's the calorie free booze???

   Thanks to black ops, I think I have enough knowledge to wipe out an entire city of zombies. just run around ina cirlcle.

   KIDS trust me when I say this: you are NOT missing out on anything if you were to take a nap.

   I do the same thing after pumping gas that I do after sex... (Sniff my fingers)

   I think the NBA players should wear bubba teeth instead of mouth pieces.....talk about a poster.

   I think Christopher Nolan grew up on 60's Batman and his life's goal is to wipe it out...

   My biggest fear is that I have already discovered time travel and I will bump into myself and spoil the surprise.

   I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.

   Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.

   Giving someone a trash bag full of yellow Starbursts is so much more fulfilling than saying "I hate you."

   I just don't understand my next door neighbor. She keeps going on about how she'd love to be a contestant on a reality show, but she went mental when she found out I'd put cameras all over her house.

   Everytime I notice some loser has deleted me for being totally awesome, I wish that the small Asian from "The Hangover" would pop up on their screen and scream, "Tooood-a-loooo muthaf$ckaaaaasss!"

   BEST GAMER PICK UP LINE: You turn my software into hardware.

   Thank god for smartphones I was getting tired or reading the back of shampoo bottles while in the bathroom