Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I can make you laugh with a Facebook Status... Imagine what I could do if we met at a bar.

   The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.

   Some people are as useless as the second window at McDonald's.

   I just saw a crocodile with an 80s dude on his shirt pocket.

   Facebook needs a "Meh" button.

   Vodka makes the world unwound.

   You say: "I now pronounce you man and wife". I hear: "FINISH HIM!!" (Mortal Combat music blasting)

   Proud to say I've slowed my drinking down to only 7 nights a week.

   Free samples shouldn't be limited to grocery stores...How can I be sure this Fifth of Scotch is worth the $10 without a quick chug?!?

   Skinny= Anorexic Thick= Obese. Virgin= Too good. Non-Virgin= Slut. Friendly= Fake. Quiet= Rude. It seems like you can never please society

   My girlfriend just texted me saying, "I want you to get me all wet when I get home ;)" So I got 15 water balloons ready.

   I'd rather take it doggy from Liberace on my grandmothers gravesite while Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth is playing than watch Twilight.

   Excuse me miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there.

   Come on guys and gals!!! There are people who visit every day who rely on us!!!

   Driving a rental car means never knowing the safest place to wipe a booger without haphazardly finding someone else's.

   Just ran over my neighbor's cat, but I left a note saying "Curiosity was here" I'm probably safe, right?

   hey rerun....ummmm, I mean stoner dudee. this is a website for new material, not yesterdays funnies.

   Don't be mad when someone else starts to appreciate the person you took for granted. What you won't do, someone else will .

   If I was a cop and I pulled over a drunk driver, I would make them do the Macarena as their sobriety test.

   Don't go out there alone... Take this status update with you.