Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just for the sake of argument, let's say I'm right about everything.

   've always wondered why W is called Double U, when it's clearly Double V...

   This cute guy I met just texted that he wants to "hang out" tonight, but he lives in the Valley & I made him up.

   I must have an amazing butt because every time I finish talking to someone & turn around to walk away, I hear them whisper, "What an Ass!"

   Awkward: Your cell phone going off full volume at a funeral. Even more awkward: Your ringtone being, "I Will Survive"

   When I was born I was so surprised, I didnt talk for a year and a half..

   Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition..

   "For the love of honey!" - Grizzly bear

   A good neighbor is one that does not put a password on their wifi.

   Pockets are an awesome way to scratch your balls while in public!

   "We should mate" "WHAT!?" "I said date, we should date sometime, ya know just the 2 of us.

   "Does my ass look big in this?" asked my wife as she twirled in front of the mirror...........Who knows where she got the sumo suit from.

   My whole world just disappeared. :( Is anyone else's notification icon missing???

   First time I ever saw a dry-erase board I said "that's remarkable."

   Oh, you're not fat. You're just easier to see.

   I disagree. Revenge is a dish best served so hot that it will burn your gizzards out.

   If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.

   I got 98,998 problems, and rounding up numbers is one of them.

   "Was that lightning?" "No. They're taking pictures for Google Earth."

   If your laugh in real life sounds like "Bwahahaha", guaranteed I won't be funny around you.