Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just posted a hundred Father's Day cards, signed 'Your Secret Lovechild' to all the men in my neighborhood. Now all I have to do is hire a bus and pay a visit to the local orphanage to set Stage 2 of my plan into motion...

   There is a special ceremony for marriage so I think there should be a special ceremony for divorce too. One could say, "With this fling, I thee unwed." And then the congregation can throw all the husband's stuff at him as he walks out of the church.

   I get carried away sometimes... Usually because I refuse to leave.

   I know! I'll go on the Internet and complain! That'll fix everything!

   Mud, Dirt, Poop, Grease and crude oil baby! Okay, I'm done talking dirty... let's have sex....

   Just put together some Ikea furniture without instructions and was able to build an extra table and two shelves with the parts I left out.

   I'm guilty of singing songs that I don't know all the words to, but for that 15 seconds I do know, I own that sh*t.

   I ruined somebodys life today... They stole my identity.

   Your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you.

   I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"

   I bought my son a pet snake and the salesman said "Be careful those snakes grow up to 20 feet" I said "Shut up...snakes don't grow feet!!!!"

   I think all women can agree that bigger is better. Nobody wants a small bank account.

   Why do they call it a "Wonder Bra?" Maybe its because when you take it off you wonder where your boobs went..

   I was at a restaurant last night and I thought I saw a family praying at the table. It turned out they were only texting.

   I did it in bed... I did it on the couch... I did it in the car... Texting is such an obsession.

   When it comes to fighting let`s just say I have lightning-like reflexes…. I hit the ground fast.

   I like to send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" Just to see who`s dumb enough.

   Reading texts half asleep is like looking into the sun.

   You cannot taste me until you undress me. Sincerely , Banana

   Mirror - "Ooh you look cute today!" Camara - "Lol, no."