Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.

   Live your life in such a way that the Westboro Baptist Church will want to picket your funeral.

   If I don't look like I barely survived a natural disaster after we've had sex, you need to try harder.

   If you're not in love right now, you're wasting valuable time!

   Accidentally poured myself a glass of vodka at 9am. Accidentally drank it too. I'm so damn clumsy.

   Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "curiosity was here"

   They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

   Whenever I see a group of girls talking I just barge in and say "he is such an a$$hole" and just like that, I'm part of the group.

   I met a girl the other day who said she likes to take charge in the bedroom. So I electroshocked her.

   When a guy says he doesn't eat pu$$y,I always say...well, nothing, because he's pretty much dead to me at that point.

   I'm not into phone sex, the cord always gets stuck in my ass.

   Then repost off page 200 or earlier.. Something we didnt just see.

   Went to the Bunmy Ranch but it was closed:( The sign said "We're Closed! Beat It!

   If you've never gotten out of the shower and dried off with paper towels, you probably do your laundry more often than I do.

   Can we apply the first rule of Fight Club to everything and maybe you just don't talk?

   If the sea was weed and I was I a duck, I'd swim my way down and smoke my way up...buy the seas not weed and I'm not a duck so pass me that bong and STFU

   I hope you were all good little boys and girls and Betsy Ross brought you all presents. Happy Flag Day to us all.

   When I get mad at my parents I dont slam the door or yell "I HATE YOU!" I just go in my room and rapidly flick the light switch. Yeeaah raise the light bill : D

   There's a song written for every mood I'm in. It's like Eminem "gets me."

   Facebook does NOT need a dislike button. It's just gonna start more drama.