Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I go to the break room and get held in a hostage conversation.

   Mayor Bloomberg is going to outlaw large sodas. Good to know that New York City is officially out of legitimate problems to deal with.

   They say 1 in 4 men is homosexual. So there must be one in my group of friends. I hope its David he's super cute.

   A woman's heart is just as dumb as a guy's d*ck.

   I put the 'me' in camouflage; you just don't see it.

   A virus caused me to reset my phone... I don't need anyone's number again, but if my exes can resend me those 'special' pictures... I'd appreciate it...

   Becoming a Doctor and changing my last name to Acula

   If we can't get weed legalized, we can just start calling it smokable beer.

   I am so happy with my life I want to go out and punch someone in the face to celebrate.

   One man's face is another man's lunch.

   Just imagine how fast church would go if Busta Rhymes was the preacher

   When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case

   They should invent an alarm clock that if you hit the snooze button more than 3 times it automatically calls in sick for you.

   Whenever someone spells something wrong, I always look to see if the two letters are close on the keyboard.

   I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it though.

   A friend of mine told me he had sex with his girlfriend and her twin, I asked how he could tell them apart, and he said her brother has a mustache.

   Ladies; True Love is when he holds your hair back while you're giving him a bl0wjob.

   Subway should be taken to court. They force their male employees to make sandwiches for other people and that is clearly sexist.

   My pleasant personality is brought to you this morning by several strong cups of coffee.

   Then just repost it! Don't put your name Like you are funny or something!