Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank God for that warning label, I was about to use this lamp in the shower.

   What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

   I was just making a sandwich when I thought to myself, 'So, there is a downside to divorce'.

   You know what's funny? Paintings of Adam & Eve where they both have belly buttons. Think about it, take all the time you need.

   Don't glare at me lady! You're the one who named your kid Marco then yelled his name in this store!

   If the caller I.D. reads 'unavailable', then so am I.

   No officer I wasn't texting, that's dangerous. I was checking my Facebook.

   Relationship status: DTF

   Don't you love it when your iPod is about to fall, and your earphones save it's life?

   My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyways.

   I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to Starbucks, check-in there, take a picture with my coffee with Instagram, and add a caption of how good it was, while including two Twitter hashtags #Starbucks #GreatDay

   Someone's been sleeping in my bed, said Papa Bear. Someone's been sleeping in MY bed, said Mama. Why don't you share a bed?! cried Baby Bear

   I got gas earlier for $1.19....too bad it was from taco bell.

   It's not you. It's me. I don't like you.

   enjoying the sounds of a 2 year old having a meltdown...so soothing

   I've ruined so many good songs on bad memories.

   If you get sexted by someone you don't like...does that mean you got molexted?

   Time heals everything... except that stupid tattoo.

   f all of your pics are taken from from an overhead angle, I have to presume you have a big hairy mole on the bottom of your chin.

   Reasons people claim to be gay: 3% - are actually gay 97% - forgot to log out of facebook