Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak welfare.

   You have a super power? That's nice. I'm friends with a pharmacist so my superpower is whatever the hell I want it to be

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of damn major financial crisis?

   Dear clear high heels, Thank you for helping me figure out who's a stripper and who's not.

   Pure laziness = when your computer asks you "the file asfslkddjf already exist, would you like to replace it?"

   I've always wanted to know how long "forever" was... and by looking at some peoples relationships its around 2 to 4 weeks.

   Some people can ruin how attractive they are by doing this weird thing with their mouth... it's called "talking"

   Don't call me " bae " " baby " " babe " or " love " unless I'm the ONLY ONE you're calling that.

   I heard that Google Searches stay on your hard drive forever...that means my laptop will never be for sale.

   The week seems to go by at the speed of a snail. Unless it's the weekend. Then the snail is driving a Ferrari.

   Why is Monday still a thing?

   Why is it called a sleepover?? Clearly, no one sleeps at a "sleepover". Due to this, I'm now renaming "sleepover" to "wakeover".

   I only drink on days that end.

   Hitting the treadmill to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that cause the stress.......

   I love taking the grocery store up on their offer to carry my groceries out to my car for me

   BELIEVE IN Yourself if you don't no one else will.!

   I wish Eazy E was alive to see this LA Kings Stanley Cup Victory

   Did you know that your phone has a feature where you can press a few numbers and actually talk to a person?

   I have always loved hockey but seriously I'm watch hillbilly Joe from the Kings team talk on TV right now and I just have to know...can't they get their teeth fixed with all that money they make?? Someone needs to use that dental plan!

   Boy: "You're like summer." Girl: "Awww hot?" Boy: "Nope, no class."