Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

   Barman says to Paddy, "ur glass is empty, fancy another one?". Paddy looking confused replies, "why the would I want 2 empty glasses?"

   I'm so drunk I speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.

   My heart goes out to all those Frustrated people who are Stuck in Traffic, on their way to the Gym to ride Stationary Bicycles...

   The first 1500 pictures of your kids were cute, now it's a bit much.

   Damn you hot girls on FaceBook who post "beach day!" pics but 'only share photos with friends'

   It's complicated" is just code for, "I'm willing to cheat."

   i got stoned yesterday, tough crowds in Iran

   That moment when you're having a somewhat serious text with someone and "anything" comes out as "anyTHONG"........damn you, touchscreen.

   Too bad phones don't record smells. I just had something to share with all of you!

   I'm not sure when it happened, but my "to do" list has become my "to do tomorrow" list.

   I watch Looney Tunes before I go to work, because there's something about old school cartoon violence that relaxes me

   It's been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.

   You don't owe anyone an explanation for who you are.

   Shout out to most of the Thundercats.

   When someone offers me constructive criticism, it's clear they've mistaken me for someone else.

   I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

   I leaked a sex tape of myself 3 months ago. It has 14 hits! Those hits are from me checking to see how many hits it has :/

   Ask your doctor before taking alcohol 7 nights a week if you're pregnant, nursing, or want to have any liver left in 20 years.

   The only reason I get up in the morning is so I can drink at night.