Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently a lot of sniffer dogs are vanishing into thin air...... Police say they have several leads...

   I raise the acceptable weight limit of potential sex partners everyday I go without getting laid. Today I hit 2 tons.

   The best things in life make you sweaty.

   You're never too old to become younger.

   The female bottom is a wonderful sight to behold, and by behold I mean it's the most magnificent of grabable things.

   Never trust a straight guy who can wrap a present.

   I usually watch porn on mute; so the neighbors can hear me climax.

   Pop up ads are the Jehovahs witness of the internet.

   I don't " hate you"....I just dislike you so much that bile wells up in my esophagus when I think of your existence

   I'm gonna make this girl mine..... Right click, Save As....

   Ribbery looks like he was involved in a armed robbery!

   I hate it when certain people exist.

   This polo shirt has two buttoning options: uptight golf pr!ck or disco chest hair.

   I'm not even really looking for a sex partner, just a sex collaborator would be nice.

   We should have pulled out of Afghanistan before we got it pregnant. Now we are gonna be stuck with support payments.

   Sometimes I catch that fleeting glimpse of the beautiful woman my daughter will become. They are usually followed by the urge to buy ammo.

   Guys that say "bros before hoes' don't take gardening as seriously as I do.

   Oh, you've heard that one before? But not from me though.

   Buying everyone at the office an@l beads didn't go over very well .

   I just put a cat & a mouse in a cage and I must say, this is nothing like Tom & Jerry.