Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I could go back in time so I could remember where I was going with this update

   The World is a Circus and The Devil is it's Ring Leader.

   If there's one thing I hate, it's self-loathing... If there's two things I hate, it's self-loathing and myself.

   I'm saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.

   For as little as $1 a day,,,, You can feed a family of 5 ducks chunks of bread down at your local pond.

   Cat's and dogs must be pretty stupid to just play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new. Now go check your iPhones again....and again....and again.....

   My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started rollin fatter blunts...

   Cats and dogs play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new. And, after 20 years, I still play with my wife's hooters.

   Having a dog as a friend better than having a friend as a dog ....

   Be with the one who will get your panties wet not your eyes.

   A little thumb-dance when you don't know how to reply to a text

   All successful people have had plans that failed, but none have ever failed to plan.

   Hey guys, let's start a Ninja Club. First rule of Ninja Club is....wait, where the heck did everybody go?

   My wife said I don't do enough work around the house. Its like she thinks this FB account just runs itself.........smh

   Times like these you know who your true girlfriends are

   At page 120 of 500 page into fifty shades of gray the wife is asking question of things in the book. Crazy part is she didn't even ask how I knew.

   I used to wonder what it was like to read people's minds But now that I have a Facebook account I'm over it

   There's this app on my phone that makes me look ugly. It's called "Camera."

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Walmart parking lot.

   Wondering if the English Prime Minister supports the "No Child Left Behind" movement lol