Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think before we vote, we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what's REALLY on their minds.

   How quick she mentions her husband/fiancé/boyfriend is directly related to how creeped out she is by you.

   Be careful about making too many plans; that's were “premeditated” comes from.

   Ever have one of those nights where you drink to much and end up dreaming you are standing at the toilet taking a leak only wake to find you are wet and not at the toilet.....No?.... Me either

   If you can't spell "their/there/they're" then your parents need to go back to your high school and demand a refund.

   I'll try and not get stopped at the Airport this year with a Batman Knuckle Duster in the case.

   If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven't decided yet.”

   Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.

   If a woman tells you size doesn't matter, she's a liar and you have a small pen!s.

   Boobs= not much ass, Ass= no boobs, Ass and Boobs= ugly face, Ass, boobs and nice face= Slut. You can never win

   Nothing screams "I have a small peni$!" like screaming "I have a small peni$!"

   I think I'm just too intelligent for sanity

   Ummm uh-oh,,,, My car's GPS asked me,,, "Who's Siri?"

   I thinkin,,, People in rubber houses shouldn't throw stones either

   My grandson just told me that walking to school uphill both ways when I was a kid sounds odd, & I should have found an alternative route on my GPS..

   How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??.....??

   Trying to be less negative but it'll never work.

   I refuse to believe that everybody was kung fu fighting. I'm sorry, but there had to be at least a couple people sitting that one out.

   "Okay, then why'd I just do that?" - Me, after punching someone who just said "Everything happens for a reason."

   I feel like people would take clinical depression more seriously if we started calling it Frown Syndrome.