Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey guy hitting on my girlfriend, how does imagination feel like?

   Never trust girls who let themselves be touched right away. But even less those who need a priest for approval.

   "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.

   It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

   My neighbours have seen me naked more than my future wife ever will.

   Yes, it's Sunday and the weekend is almost over, as time flies when your having fun...I suggest doing something really boring all day long to stretch it out until midnight!

   I saw a squirrel eating a dead squirrel on the way home. So, the bath salt/zombie crisis has now reached the animal kingdom...

   Whenever I see someone calling my phone, I wait and see if they will call 10 times, if they don't, it probably wasn't that important

   classified ad in newfoundland newspaper: for sale one large living room window, only looked through twice.

   I distrust Camels and anyone else who can go 1 week without a drink.

   My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.

   I suppose I'm a late bloomer. But the way it's going, I'm going to hook up in the nursing home. Somebody water me, PLEASE!

   I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Problem Solved.

   Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Alabama???? If it were invented anywhere else they would have named it the teethbrush....

   It's Siri's time off the month again....she's acting mad and wont answer anything

   If a Rabbit Foot is considered good luck, then a Camel Toe should be considered amazing luck!

   You're thin, entertaining, I love staying up all night with you and falling asleep by your side. I love you laptop.

   The best nights ever begin with the question "Are we going to get in trouble for this?"

   You may have over 300 friends but in true life when you're older you can count the amount of friends you have on one hand.

   Sometimes we realize things to late. When you have a baby you realize you shouldn't have raw dogged it. When you lose that special someone you realize what went wrong. After last night I realized I'm never drinking again