Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend invited me over to play COD and now I'm dressed up in a fish costume. This is not what I was expecting.

   If you can spell Mississippi, you probably live in Mississippi.

   If you cant spell Mississippi, you probably live in Mississippi

   The only time I wouldn't mind being buried alive is if were under a pile of money.

   I don't need to go to a church in order to feel ashamed of my ways on Sunday morning.

   Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy duct tape to shut people up, so what's the difference?

   You don't need reasons to kill people, you need opportunities.

   You're not my typo.

   I found a video of my parents having sex on their computer, I was sickened. But not as sickened as when I got a hard-on.

   I mistakenly had sex with a model. These mannequins are really starting to look real.

   I walk around with a city map so people think I'm a tourist and never bother to ask me anything.

   it after the first or the second rejection that I should start questioning a woman's sexual orientation?

   Chances are you're doing something right now that would make me hate you. Like breathing or talking or existing anywhere near me.

   The only reason I don't lie to people is because I don't want anyone thinking I like them enough to care about not hurting their feelings.

   Women. Can't live with them, can't smell their hair without getting an erecti0n.

   I didn't want to be that creepy guy, so instead of gawking at the woman at the gym, I licked the sweat off her treadmill.

   "they judge me before they even know me, that's why I'm better off alone" - Shrek

   a Golden Shower the best to show a woman that she's the one? I mean, dogs piss on things to mark THEIR territory, right?

   When LeBron James gets a mosquito bite, he looks around for a ref.

   I think I could be with one woman for the rest of my life if there were no other women on earth.