Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Note to drunk people: Unusually high doorsteps are usually windows.

   I think I attract crazy.

   I think I'm going to attatch a Radio Flyer to the back of my Kick-N-Go and ride to the grocery store to buy some grocerys... just so I can see the peoples expressions as I go bye.

   The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a vegan - then I'm pretty sure you can just get there through his pu$$y.

   It's hangovers like this that make me wish I had a Life Alert.

   Everyone pisses in the pool, but piss off the diving board one time and they call the cops.

   It's cool how my wife can have an entire argument with me without me ever saying a word.

   Instead of cleaning my house I'll just make visitors do 3 shots on the front porch before they come in.

   "Oh yeah, well my people invented nachos" - Easiest way for a Mexican person to win any argument

   How to fix America: 1. Put all the money into education. 2. More Green Energy. 3. Stop airing Keeping Up with the Kardashians

   A slug is just a snail with a housing problem.

   At my funeral when they're lowering me into the ground I demand they play "Drop it like its hot"!!!

   Can you be addicted to chaos? Date a Ginger and you'll understand

   Still waiting for the best day of my life to happen...!!!

   Dear people who post pictures of themselves kissing their lover of the moment; I hope you realise those pictures will come back to bite you in the ass when you are broken up and are back in the market looking for a new partner.

   Hey guys, my first time flossing today. Quick question, how do you put the teeth that fell out back in?

   Who the fnck do you think you are and why are you breathing?!!

   I enjoy long walks on the Internet ;)

   BOY: "Hi" GIRL: "I have a boyfriend" BOY: "I said 'Hi' not suck my d!ck"

   I enjoypoetry, long romantic walks in the woods and poking dead things with a stick.