Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ghetto Word of the Day: Window “Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don't know window”.

   Choosing a beer from my fridge makes me feel like I'm choosing the right weapon for an epic duel.

   At A yardsale today I bought a Large Minnie Mouse,is that Oxymoronic ? or just gay?

   Million Dollar Idea: Smoke detector with the setting "Just Burnt Food."

   Just in case you needed another reason to hate Kim Kardashian. She just bought Kayne a $750,000 Lambo for his b-day.

   knows if I had a dollar for every time I heard about an evangelist slapping his daughter, I would have a Creflo Dollar.

   Fellaz; there is a way to check out women without them knowing it. Learn it.

   I hate people who wear pajamas to the airport.

   beware of dog...........the cat is fvcking shady as well

   I bet that Magneto guy in X-Men has the best collection of fridge magnets.

   I can easily tell from the quality of your p0sts when some of you have run out of weed.

   If you use the term YOLO, then you are more than likely using these other popular phrases: “Would you like fries with that?” “Welcome to Walmart.” “Yes Officer. You may search my car under the terms of my probation.”

   My daughter ran into the wall, fell, got up, and ran into the same wall. Thank god she's pretty.

   Legal definition of sexual relations in West Virginia... Family reunion.

   I'm single because I'm pretty good at recognizing crazy.

   You cry, I cry. You smile, I smile. You laugh, I laugh. You bleed for a week, I visit my mom for a week.

   Just watched a minute of Gossip Girl and suddenly I got a call from some Salon to confirm my manicure & pedicure appointment.

   I don't like to use my gun unless it's an accident.

   "I sit on my ass looking at the web all day." - a spider

   I tell people I listen to Justin bieber just so they wouldn't talk to me again.