Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   I miss the days when the worst thing about Trump was just his hair.

   Doctor: “Sir....” Patient: “It's MA'AM. I identify as a female” Doctor: “Okay Ma'am. You have testicular cancer”

   I like to play this game called nap roulette...It's where I take a nap but don't set an alarm. Will it be a 30 min nap? Will it be a 4 hour nap? Will I wake up tomorrow? Nobody knows. But it's risky. And I like it

   Anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have.

   I smile at dogs more than I smile at people.

   This girl at the bar is winking at me. Now she's using the other eye. Never mind, she's passing out.

   People should be tested for emissions. They’re exhausting.

   Don't worry. My bedroom cameras are for research purposes only.

   There’s good sex, then there’s no-hole-left-untouched sex.

   What kind of psycho wears pants in their own home?

   Ladies; If he doesn't want to watch you masturbate he's not that into you....or girls

   DOCTOR: why do you think you need this medication? ME: I saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

   My kids can worship Satan all they want as long as they don’t listen to nickelback

   At my age, I still do dumb stuff, but only slower.

   Only resort to violence if necessary like if a coworker says "another day in paradise".

   You'll install an anti virus on your computer but not on your kids?

   I still remember the time when I was working at a zoo and my boss fired me simply because I left the lion's gate unlocked, I mean who can steal a lion.

   I've watched Shrek every night this week and I still cannot find any clues as to how Donkey impregnated the dragon.

   What's the dumbest thing you ever believed as a child? That people above 18 years of age are automatically adults.

   why is everyone working out? is there a war coming that I don't know about?