JOser Funny Status Messages

   I laid awake all night again worrying about why I'm always so tired

   To whoever said "fight fire with fire": do you actually test your own advice before giving it?

   If two trains leave New York, one heading west at 40mph and the other heading south at 35mph, where are my car keys?

   Yes, I realize I'm leaving early. But don't forget, I also came in late.

   iPhone 4: Loses bars when you hold it, gets lost in bars when you don't.

   Can everyone who has an iPhone 4 stop talking about it until the rest of the world has them? Thanks.

   Sometimes people act like the US isn't the only country in the whole world.

   I heard the CEO of AT&T got married recently. The service was great but the reception was terrible.

   Switched my GPS to the male voice. Got tired of it announcing turns after we'd passed them and telling me to stop and ask for directions.

   in a constant state of Omphaloskepsis (look it up).

   Dear DNA experts, please come up with a small insect that is genetically designed to annoy flies. Maybe even a small insect that bites mosquitoes. Thanks

   I'm a homophobophobe. Seriously, those bigots scare the heck out of me.

   I'm a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity...

   Today is the 1 year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death. I will be randomly grabbing my crotch in his memory for the rest of the day.

   It's so adorable when my Mom calls and asks me for my "email number."

   It takes a real Phil Collins fan to name one of their children Sussudio. That child is destined to stutter.

   When caught with weed, never assume anything but the position...

   This day needs more yesterday...

   Tip: if you're going to call out sick, make sure your co-workers aren't your FB friends and can see the pics you posted drunk last night

   I'm getting bored with gravity. Time for an update with new features, universe!