Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone needs to uninvent the internet so I can start getting some s$it done.

   "I don't care what anyone thinks!" - People who care what everyone thinks

   Why do people live in regular houses,, when there are steakhouses?

   Lazy Fact #12983789127489: You were too lazy to read that number .

   Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief & suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a Wedding Cake!!

   Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head or you end up looking like a damn lollipop.

   Congress has an approval rating of 13% you should know Naked cannibals on Bath Salts are at 18%.

   If you have a craving for Pringles & Sardines at 3am in the morning..... you just smoked some bad weed, thats all!

   Poke Hot biatches on Facebook ...cause my gf is cool with that

   You know what makes me mad? The fact that I know who Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are.

   Having trouble sleeping? How about I tuck you in with this left hook.

   Police officer: "license and registration" Me: "DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS!?" Police officer: No Me: "me neither".

   As I've gotten older, every time I look in the mirror I see my dad more and more. I guess its time to move out, its starting to get weird.

   A dog will never borrow money from you, and that's why he's man's best friend.

   Love is when you wake up with your boxers around your ankles and your hands full of peanut butter, right?.

   The first thing I do before a fight is put my invisible armor on then crawl into a ball and beg for them not to beat m

   When people ask me "How's life?", I sing them the chorus of Akon's Lonely while crying and slowly walk away.

   I need some coffee just to get the energy to make coffee...

   "You gotta have Faith!" -enthusiastic review of a brothel on Yelp.

   "Business in the front, party in the back" would be a terrible slogan for a medical clinic.