Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Starting a hammock company for kids called "Kid-Naps" ........and maybe need to rethink some things....... :-(

   You know when you rearrange "Mother -In-Law" in any language you still get "Women Hitler!"......Got a PuertoRican-Haitian Hitler to deal with

   Had to have the 'Drugs' talk with the teenage son the other night... had to warn him how easily he could get ripped off...

   Every car should blast out the Back To The Future theme when they hit 88mph

   When I die I don't want to be in a casket at the Funeral Home... I want them to prop me up sitting in the front row... just to mess with people as they walk in.

   If you want to know whether a chick is a cvnt or not, just call her a c*nt. Nothing sets off a crazy cvnt like being called a cvnt.

   I'm all for abstinence to prevent teen pregnancies and all...But I really do believe that if I would've gotten laid when I was in High School my grades would've been alot better.

   I feel bad making fun of all these idiots I work with. I still do it, but at least I feel bad.

   Do "lol" goes before or after the sentence??? Everytime I read something funny, I quickly stop laughing out loud cuz I get frustrated

   Q: What is the standard # of ppl you can have being blocked on FB? I wanna block all my ex(s)!

   Facebook is giving 'poke suggestions' now? Instead of telling me who to poke they should warn me about who NOT to poke.

   Women do not understand men because they don't have to, Men don't understand women because they are crazy.

   My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

   Oh Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn't read that, you sang it.

   Her: :-P Me: 8===D Her: :-O Me: 8====D~~~ Her: :-) Me: 8=D Me: ZZZZ

   Before Facebook and online dating, I seriously don't think I've ever seen a picture of a person in their bathroom.

   Some say imaginary friends are for crazy people. Please tell me about Facebook again.

   The hardest part about being Nicolas Cage is that you're having every single emotion all the time.

   Sorry, I'm really bad at returning calls and texts." = "Um yeah, I just don't want to talk to you."

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fu$king me.