Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Elmer Fudd knew how to deal with a duck face.

   If being drunk before 3pm on a Friday is wrong, I never want to be right.

   *Facebook* How I look in photos I upload: s(•_•)z How I look in photos I'm tagged in: \(•~°)/

   How the hell do ballet dancers spin around so much and not get dizzy? I spin around twice on my seat at work and I vomit in the trash can.

   To give myself a break from being so sexy all the time, I like to sleep 'normal.'

   It seems that table salt does the complete opposite of bath salt. It sure woke this dead ass bologna sammich up! If I could only get the tomato to stop chewing on my lip...

   If you don't carry around empty Dunkin' Donut gift cards to give to cops to get out of tickets, you guys aren't trying hard enough.

   Flinging poo at a monkey in the zoo will get you kicked out, even if the monkey started it.

   I walked into a pet shop this morning and said, "I'll have that cute little kitten over there please." "A present for somebody?" asked the assistant. I said, "Yes, it's my pitbull's birthday."

   When I don't have a good status... you end up wasting your time reading sh*t like this.

   You know before Facebook, I use to call up 435 friends of mine everyday... just to tell them 'how much I hate my work and how much I love getting stoned.'

   Hey alcohol and aspirin companies... Have you two met each other? Team up all ready and make that sh*t happen! Sincerely, Hungover as hell!

   I just woke up pissed off for no reason..... now I know how a woman feels. ;-)

   My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I didn't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves like that.

   Buying your girlfriend tampons is not that hard! Just wait until you have to get your wife 'jumbo diaper afterbirth thingies.'

   Before facebook, I use to wait about a week for Walgreens to develop my pictures, to show my friends how good I lok in the Bathroom

   Me - "Siri... Write me a status!" Siri - "M... Don't tell me what to do!" Me - :(

   Facebook now lets you put a star on a select group of friends.. JUST LIKE HITLER!

   My friend sent me a text tonight asking if I wanted to go see Saw with them. They thought the movie was sh*t. But that was nothing compared to my sh*t night sitting in a playground waiting for them to show up!!!

   Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "Curiosity was here"