Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks to all the legal and medical dramas I've watched, I'm pretty sure I'm capable of winning court cases and saving lives.

   FACT: If you keep a crossbow in your home, you're 70% likelier to be shot and/or laughed at by an intruder with a gun.

   I wonder if Fabio finally believes its not butter?

   My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

   Bacon never asks silly questions... Bacon understands.

   When I fart...you will be the second person to know.

   My boss doesn't realize that I'm cleverly disguised as an adult.

   I look forward to the day that I have a burger named after me.

   Life is more exciting when you're out there living it. I read that somewhere.

   If I was ever given just one month to live, I'd watch a baseball game. It's an eternity.

   My shoulder just got to 2nd base with the chick who is cutting my hair...

   I'm not giving you the finger... I'm just giving you half the peace sign.

   Instead of yelling, I just say "Caps Lock" and then speak at a normal volume...

   fb Who needs it, we have each other... right? Hello?

   So you hate Facebook? Thanks for sharing that with me on Facebook.

   I changed my last name on Facebook to "dis", so I can start disliking the stupid stuff people post.

   Everyone has that one friend who insists on messaging you every damn time they see you on Facebook.

   Some of the chicks on my play list aren't even musicians.

   It always get awkward when you're on the elevator with a stranger. Especially after you hug him and tell him you're very lonely.

   I don't do drugs. I can get the same effect just standing up fast!