Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk.

   Ladies, most of the time us guy are like placemats. We only show up when there's food on the table.

   Screw it, I'm starting Friday now.

   I don't need anger management -I need people to stop pissing me the hell off!!

   I think these bath salts turned me into Hannibal Lector...I just ate a Jehovah's Witness with a side of fava beans! ツ

   It's time to go to bed when there is no more beer!!! I think Ben Franklin said this

   Always young at heart. But the rest of the parts apparently came from Sanford & Son

   I'm against recycling because it makes me appear to be a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.

   Emotionally: I'm done. Mentally: I'm drained. Spiritually: I'm dead. Physically: I smile.

   Sometimes I like to walk next to people and sync with their step

   Am I the only one when they heard about the hand & foot delivered to Ottawa I thought " that's sick!" But when the other set arrived in Vancouver 10 days later I thought "Wow, Canada Post Sucks!"

   Who remembers the good old days, when people use to communicate by email?

   I was tickling a toad on his right flipper! Frog giggles amuse me!

   I really hate this new fb crap. I don't want to see what my friends comment on or like. It takes forever to see anyones status. I didn't sign up for that garbage.

   I kicked Today in the face!!

   I'm Too Lazy, I Need Motivation!

   You need motivation to START something, then to keep at it you need DISCIPLINE. You think you have these? Then move your ass.

   says I just want to find someone that doesn't deserve my affection so I don't feel guilty when I treat them like sh!t.

   if dinosaurs really existed why dont you hear about them in the bible?...not even loading 2 of them on the ark

   I forget how ridiculous I look while air drumming until I see the pictures that come with my red light ticket.