Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FACT: Couples who don't have a TV in their bedroom have 50 percent more sex.

   I joined Facebook as an outlet to complain about stuff, now I need someplace to complain about Facebook.

   There's no 'i' in 'team' but there's 7 of them in, "Everyone in this office is an idiot and I work better by myself."

   I wonder how many times Paula Deen's 1st husband plotted to kill her in her sleep, only to be foiled by his own laughter at her sleep farts.

   WAIT.... So the suicide hotline is only for prevention?,, and not for nominating people to kill themselves?.. Well this sucks,,, I filled out a list and everything.

   I'm convinced that anyone driving the speed limit or slower is either 80+yrs. Or has drugs in their car...

   Of course I'm not going to delete you... but you did manage to post yourself into my f*ck off and ignore list!

   I wish the cast of Jersey Shore had to compete in the Hunger Games.

   trying to figure out the Euro debt crisis but it's all Greek to me...

   I have a feeling if I was superhero, my name would be Sarcasmo.

   Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?

   Don't you hate it when you brush your tongue then gag from going too far back!!? If no or n/a, please contact me, ASAP. Chics only, please. K thanks.

   Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga

   I just peed double streams. Is this my superpower?

   I see you have a tribal tattoo, I didn't know Douchebag was a tribe.

   I need to quit time-traveling whilst drunk! I can't remember what I did tomorrow.

   Honey, do you remember those days when we first met and you'd wake up and leave for a few days? Those were some GOOD times huh.....right.......hello? What did I say now?

   Whoever said Diamond are a girls best friend........Obviously never bought one a detachable showerhead.

   I'd be more willing to date, if women were less willing to talk.

   Before making your three wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of English. Unrelated: would anyone like to purchase a massive rooster, a bunch of wet, Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey?