Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the only way I'll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I'm in prison.

   “Oh wow, way better!” -Jedi Knight trying out a gun

   Hired a violent monkey to beat up my enemies. I call him Injurious George.

   No matter how hard you try, you can't mail a fart.

   First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door...... Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

   One advantage of going to sleep drunk: The bed bugs leave you alone.

   Try saying "good luck" without sounding sarcastic..... Good luck.

   I hate it when I forget I'm watching a show on DVR and I accidentally watch all the commercials.

   You know you're a slut if you know how to make eye contact while giving a bl0wjob.

   Forget flying cars... I want Futurama's complex system of air tubes that take us everywhere....Weeeee !

   If your coffee order is more than six words long, including "thank you," I hope a raccoon rummages through your a$$hole.

   My most recent workout,, was trying to find that "starting edge" of the toilet paper roll.

   Political views are like children. Some people don't have one or want one. Others keep trying to show theirs off.

   Man, those Brits are jubilee-ing their balls off.

   Sorry I offended you when I called you a slut. I had no idea you thought it was a secret.

   I sent my girl to the mall with my credit card so I can relax and watch TV. I have a feeling I will pay for it later.

   If the Twilight films have taught us anything it's that werewolves are afraid of shirts.

   I'm sorry that I blocked you while I was drunk last night........ but I couldn't figure out how to do it while I was sober. I hope you understand.

   "You'd look pretty crazy without us", said her Eyebrows.

   I love being the first one up in the morning, it gives me time to take all the toilet paper out of the bathrooms for ransom....