Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like if you remember British Knights shoes

   Like if you remember San francisco riding gear jeans

   ''Plus size'' Woman = Beautiful...."Plus size'' Man= Fat ass

   When it comes to music...Rock...um...uh...ROCKS.

   Okay....who's responsible for my "poke" finger smelling funny?

   So now if you tell a woman you want to eat her is she going to cover her face and scream?

   We're getting so obese, they've added new plus sizes.....Huge....Gigantic and Oh my God, it's coming our way.

   Don't need to worry about zombies here in West Virginia....no brains.

   My girlfriend says she's going to leave me for being too impatient. I can't wait.

   If she can string a sentence together while you are f*cking her, you're not doing it hard enough.

   If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn't start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I'm going to be pissed...........

   Please stop picturing me naked... I haven't even brushed my teeth yet!

   You're in love and I couldn't be happier for you. But can you let go of each others hands for four seconds so I can get past you on the f*ckin sidewalk?"

   I am conducting a survey to see who is the most awesome person on Facebook. To find out who it is read the first two words of this status.

   i know you guys want to remove timeline from Facebook, so do I but can you please stop sending me request for it!

   2 words..... Fire Flies. you're welcome <3

   I hear someone's going around stealing all the coffee from the poor. I don't know how he can sleep at night,

   Baby, are you Jealous? "No..." "Babe, you Jealous?" "NO!" "Baby, can I get a kiss?" "GO AND GET A KISS FROM THE H$E THAT LIKED YOUR STATUS!"

   I wonder what the blood alcohol level is of all these mosquitos that keep biting me?

   Life is like a p*nis, it's short but it seems so long when it gets hard.